I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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