I just threw up on my dentist
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
