Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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