i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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