Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
