There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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