The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
