I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
