I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
