my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
