I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
