I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
