So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
