I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
