guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
