Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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