who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
