I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
