I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
