dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
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He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
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We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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