You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
