Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
