i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
