You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
