On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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