i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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