i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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