i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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