Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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