I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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