When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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