I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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