call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
