How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found puke in my bra..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
