So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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