No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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