Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
