I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
