i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
