My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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