I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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