I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you have feelings for this penis?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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