my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
