Redeem this text for a blowjob
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Congratulations! We have a period
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