guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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