when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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