Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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