come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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