Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
