you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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