Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
