First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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