I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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