I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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