Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
